The Day Dumbledore Quit
by The White Darkness
Summary: Combining a magical drink, and an insane professor with a large amount of talent equals madness. Rated M for language


A disclaimer: Nothing you see here today is mine, although I still would love to hear back from you guys in any way, shape or form be it reviews or PM's, thanks and have a good one and see you next time.

Dumbledore was defined by the people under many names and titles; Ranging from eccentric genius, a daft old codger, to the most feared level 85 gnome techno mage in Azeroth. The one thing the people could agree on was the fact that he was insane. Not senile, or a bit loopy, no he was fully insane. Although with everything that the poor bastard had gone through, who could really blame him? His life wasn't exactly a box full of chocolate covered peaches.

So when students saw him wandering the halls in his magenta colored robes while he softly whispered words to no one in particular, it did not seem out of the ordinary. As he was strolling down the staircase towards the great hall, Cho Chang walked up to him and asked "Professor I was wondering if you could explain to me what type of reaction I will get when I combine a mandrake leaf and an ounce of dragons blood into limb regeneration potion?"

Dumbledore stared at Cho Chang with his shining blue eyes and a slight smile "Ah, yes." He said as brought up his hand as he and started playing with her black hair "Robin was quite an adventurous gal. I swear I have never met someone as kinky as she was. To this day I still get shivers from the memories of what she used to do to me." He chuckled away. As he slowly looked down he noticed that Miss Chang was no longer there. Much to his surprise he saw Gregory Goyle moving his own hand through Goyle's short black hair. Dumbledore quietly took out his wand, stunned him and walked away.

In a few short minutes Dumbledore finally made his to his destination, the kitchens. He tickled the pair and walked in as he was greeted by one of his most favorite house elfs, Dobby.

"Is Headmaster be wanting something from Dobby?" Dobby asked as his started fiddling with his hands.

"Yes Dobby, I am in need of a drink, something strong, yet subtle. Is there such a drink that you recommend?"

Dobby looked down at his feet and slowly said "Well, you's could always have Dobby's special drink. It is as Master Headmaster be wanting."

"Oh Dobby." said Dumbledore with his trademark smile and twinkling eyes. "I would love this special drink."

Dobby sauntered over towards Dumbledore and plopped the drink in front of him. The drink was a deep shade of purple and was slowly bubbling. Dumbledore merely smiled and downed the drink in one shot. Slowly he could feel the effects of the drink take the toll on his old fragile body. It was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Slowly his perception of the world changed. The world seemed to change into a different color every few seconds. He tried to stand up, faintly hearing Dobby trying to say something to him, but he wasn't listening. He was on a mission.

As he left the kitchen, he was surrounded by what seemed to be pots and pans. Just these pots and pans were dangerous, or at least that's what his body was telling him. He took a look around to see five pots gather around him in a semi-circle, backing him up against the wall. With a flourish of his wand Dumbledore began his deadly and highly exaggerated dance. He turned to his first target, an ugly off grey beast that smelt as rotten as the cheese they served the children at lunch time. With a quick swish he levitated the cauldron pot into one of its brethren and watched with idle curiosity as the contents of both mixed. He was sure he heard cries of pain but he ignored it all. It was not his first time on a battlefield and he knew better than to zone out.

Unfortunately, with his small lapse of attention, one of his foes managed to charge into him and it caught him in the side. He was flung to the ground but this small set back did not deteriorate him. With a viscous backwards slash of his wand, the poor soul was split into seven pieces. With a pair complicated wand movements Dumbledore transfigured the pieces of the fallen cauldron pot into seven bright pink bunnies. With a mighty roar Dumbledore commanded his squad of death bringers to attack with all their might.

The bunnies hopped their way to the pots with Dumbledore in the rear, picking off the survivors of the furry aftermath. Cries of pain and war shouts could be heard on the staircase as the battle pushed on towards the great hall. Dumbledore watched with great sadness as the last of his brave followers was melted by the infernal cauldron pots. To add insult to injury, this one even sported the Gryffindor logo on the front.

With a loud, shrill cry, he pressed onwards, leaving behind a trail of destruction and gore. One of the foul beasts charged at him with a complete disregard for its own pitiful existence. With a look that bore no mercy, Dumbledore backhanded the beast into the wall and proceeded to curb stomp it, getting his once pristine Barney slippers soiled by the foul innards of the abomination. The battle had finally reached the doors of the great hall. "Stop this madness!" shouted Dumbledore as he transfigured another pot into a one legged pig.

He spotted another pot in the middle of getting skewered by one of his newest pink bunnies holding a sharpened rubber chicken. Dumbledore quickly banished the bunny into a crowd of cauldron pots feeding on its brother and began to make sure this beast wasn't too damaged. With a few flicks and twists the pot was transfigured into a goat. Spotting a broom abandoned on the ground, he summoned that towards himself and quickly spelled his wand to attach to the top of the broom.

Dumbledore mounted the goat and began to force it to the front of the doors. Positioning himself to be in front of the raging battle Dumbledore let out a loud roar to catch the combatant's attention. "THIS HAS CARRIED ON FOR FAR TOO LONG!" He shouted his voice caring through the hall. "YOU. SHALL. NOT PASS!" He rammed his makeshift staff into the ground causing a burst of magic to flood the hall. As the dust began to settle, Dumbledore noticed that his foes had all been vanquished and their carcasses had been transfigured into pink bunnies. The bunnies suddenly began to attach to each other and to Dumbledore's utter shock, they all began to mate repeatedly with each other.

Dumbledore sighed. It was all over. He had protected Hogwarts from an immense threat all by himself and the damn Potter boy couldn't go and claim the credit for this one! Just as he was about to demount the goat, the transfiguration on it failed and he soon found himself stuck in the pot and covered in its contents. It seemed like his foes would get the last laugh. Suddenly, he felt tired, more tired than he had ever felt in his long life. He blinked and then the world went black.

There was noise, which was the first thing Dumbledore noticed. It sounded like a yelling match; he slowly opened his eyes to the wonderful sight and sound of Madame Pomfrey screaming at Minerva McGonagall. He gingerly sat up and put his feet over the right side of his bed and said in his regular weary voice "Ladies, Ladies, may we please keep it down, for the sake of the patients in care here."

"For the sake of the patients! The patients!" Screamed McGonagall, her thick Scottish accent coming out strong. "It was you Albus that put most of them here with the effects your spells had on the castle! What in Merlin's name were you thinking! This was the most irresponsible thing I have seen since your brother transfigured that – that – women into a goat for his own bloody pleasures. Honestly Dumbledore you are lucky that no one was killed or you would be in Azkaban faster than you could say bend over."

Dumbledore zoned out to around the Infirmary to see that there were children of all ages in beds, in fact there were so many beds in the hospital wing that what was normally considered the entrance was blocked off with students in their beds. He slowly got up, ignoring the aching pain in his back and walked off as McGonagall was still in the middle of her tirade. He gave her a tired look, noticed his wand on the bedside table. He picked it up and much to everybody's surprise; he casually stunned her and walked away through the doors of the Hospital wing weaving through the multitude of beds.

Dumbledore slowly made his way through the school, which was now surrounded by a large multitude of pink fluffy bunnies. He banished a few bunnies out of his way for walking room. He arrived at his office which was shockingly devoid pink fluffy bunnies. He strolled over towards his chair and down very gingerly and spoke slowly "Bitches be bitches."

Unfortunately for him, the board of governors had been notified of the on goings of the night before. The stains from the battle and the aftermath still covered the hallways and the floor, causing the some of the governors to stare at Dumbledore with looks of disgust. "What in Merlin's good name happened here Dumbledore?" Ask one of the governors, bedazzled by the sheer destruction his man had brought to this prestigious school.

"Well my good sir it all started with a drink one of the kind house elfs had given me. After that things become a bit hazy. I do remember a vicious battle as I defended these children from some foul beasts that had managed to work their way past the wards. We may have to reevaluate them in the near future. Is this summer a good time for you fine sirs and ladies?" Dumbledore asked while stroking his beard. It seemed that Poppy had been kind enough to cast a vanishing charm on the grim that had been collected from last night's attack.

The governors were not pleased at all with what Dumbledore had said. It seemed that the man had decided to begin the use of recreational drugs. This could not stand. The reputation for the school had already been damaged after the disgrace that was the Triwizard Tournament. Add to the fact that the old coot was spouting nonsense of He-Who-Most-Not-Be-Named returning did not help at all. "What the bloody hell are you babbling about Dumbledore? There was no battle! All you did was terrorize the students by flinging magic at them! Hell, some of the students are so badly scarred that they now believe they are bunnies! The mind healers are working overtime to see if they can counter this without having to resort to oblivation and we are still trying to transfigure some of the remaining bunnies back into their original selves! You even killed your potions master! The poor sod is nothing but pieces of transfigured bunnies and blood smears on the wall! A headmaster hasn't killed a professor ever since Newton Scamander killed his Care of Magical Creatures professor for trying to claim his books were nothing but lies! Add onto the fact that you backhanded Professor Sprout and stomped onto her face as she was on the ground!" Ranted one of the governors, completely red in the face. His hands were shaking with rage at the acts Dumbledore had committed and that wasn't been all of them.

"To make matters worse you old coot, the Goyle family is threatening to sue you for sexual harassment. SEXUAL HARASSMENT! We haven't had anyone try to sue us for that since Phineas! Damnit Dumbledore how the hell are you going to clean up this mess?" As the governor was ranting and raving, the others began to notice that Dumbledore's pupils were beginning to dilate and he had his wand in his hand. Before anyone of them could react Dumbledore swept his wand in front of them, banishing them into the oak doors. "BEGONE FOULS BEASTS! YOU DARE TRY TO ATTACK THIS SCHOOL AGAIN?" Bellowed Dumbledore as he transfigured his hospital gown into flowing purple robes with miniature ponies on them and prepared for another fight. He could not believe that the men and women in front of him had been the creatures from the night before. It seemed that the creatures had the ability to take on the appearances of their victims. He would mourn for the loss of the governors at the later date. Right now he had his school to protect. With an extravagant flick of his wand, one of the creatures was ripped apart with confetti and a small tune coming out its head. He continued to press on the assault by snapping his wand at a creature that was trying to reach for its weapon. He summoned it towards him and sidestepped the flying creature for it to slam brutally into the wall. Dumbledore ignored the withering creature and turned his attention to the remaining beasts. They were cowering in fear and he relished in it. "BEGONE!" He shouted as he swept his wand once more in their direction, applying multiple transfigurations to various parts of their bodies.

As the smoke began to fade away, Dumbledore admired his handy work. The beasts would not be able to recover from the amount of transfiguration applied to their bodies. The school was safe once more but Dumbledore knew that the beasts would strike once more. Quickly transfiguring a broom into a wizard's hat, Dumbledore began to make his way to the Forbidden Forest, fully prepared to face the dangers that it would pose.

A few days passed before the students were informed that Dumbledore had been let go. They were also informed that the Forbidden Forest was now completely banned. Any student that entered it would automatically be expelled. Rumors began to fly around the school about why it was banned. No one came near to the truth. Some claimed that there was a pack of centaurs that were using the forest as a staging ground for illegal unicorn fights while others believed that it was secretly a mouth to Hell. Only a few believed the rumors about an old man running around the forest with purple robes with ponies on it, fighting the creatures within. It was just too ridiculous.


End file.
